Step 1

By Laura Vryhof

Step 1-Make A Decision

Every Search Begins With A Decision

Why would you  Search?

What is your reason for making the decision to find a person? Adoption, separation, old friend, someone owes you money and has skipped town. 

What are your feelings?

Are your feelings positive or negative? Either type can be strong incentive to make the decision to search.

When you make the decision to search you need to ask yourself these questions:

• What if I decide to search and I can’t find the person?
• What if he/she does not want to see me if I do find them? 
• What if he/she is deceased? 
• I am angry that he/she left me, what if I cannot control that anger? 
• What will be the effect this person will have on my family if I do find them? 
• What will be the effect of the search on my personal life if  I make the decision to do this search? 
• What if I find him/her and they are not the kind of person I was hoping they would be?

These issues and many others need to be given serious consideration.

Also be aware that your feelings will change during the course of your search.

Ask For Help

Talk to your family, friends, clergy or any other person you trust to give you good advice. 

Some people hire an investigator to also act as a buffer between them and their subject. 

If this buffer is needed and you still want to do the search yourself, it is ok to ask an unbiased friend or family member to make the initial contact. 

They will be less emotionally attached to the outcome and more likely to provide you with the information you need to decide if you want to go ahead and make personal contact.

Be prepared for many possible outcomes

There are the many possible outcomes of this decision to search, and not all of them are going to be happy endings. 

Your subject may be deceased, may not want contact or you may never find him or her. 

Expect an emotional roller coaster and make your decision with your head and your heart.

:: A Positive Attitude

Getting Your Attitude In The  Right Place

The right attitude will keep you positive and focused.  When you are trying to find a person, there will be dead ends and false starts.   

Sometimes there is no support from family members and you might feel alone.  This makes it more difficult to stay positive.

Ten vital attitude factors

1.     Enthusiasm- having a positive attitude will go a long way toward facilitating your search.   Surround yourself with as many positive people as you can.

2.    Patience- you will need to be able to deal with frustration and negative people.  Patience is a virtue in these situations, especially when you deal with bureaucrats.

3.    Dedication- it is important to dedicate yourself to seeing it all the way through, no matter what the outcome.  Even if you don’t find the person, you will know you did everything you could.

4.    Discipline-commit to being disciplined in your work.  You will only have to answer to yourself, so self discipline is necessary to finishing your quest.

5.    Be open to suggestion-it may be tempting to insulate yourself from outside influence, but that would be a mistake.  Being too emotionally attached may make you miss something obvious.  Stay open to suggestion and willing to share your search with others.

6.    Perseverance-Some people will not want to talk to you and you will need to persevere.  This does not mean to be intrusive or confrontational; it means that if you find someone blocking you, you will need to keep looking for a way around that block.

7.    Picture yourself succeeding-this will keep you encouraged and will make it easier to stay on track.

8.    Trust your common sense-if you feel you are being misled or should follow a certain trail because it makes the most sense to you, then trust that. 

9.    Commitment even when you are not getting results-sometimes you have to back up, go another route or just keep pushing. 

10. Acceptance of the results when you succeed-these may be negative or positive but they will be your results and you will need to accept them either way.  Making peace with whatever happens is essential.

The right attitude goes a long way to ensuring you have a successful search.

:: Expenses

Getting Started And What Expenses To Expect

It is not possible to conduct a search without some expenses.

Postal search

A search done through the mail will require stamps, envelopes, paper and copies. This can be one the least expensive but slowest type of search.  Most agencies charge fees and the more you contact, the larger your expenses.

You will need: a ream of paper,  envelopes,  stamps,  meter-stamped postcards, 2 legal pads, and a highlighter.  If you don’t have a photocopier/ printer, you will have to pay for photocopying and you will spend some money for gas in local travel. 

Internet search

Internet records searches can be fastest and least expensive types. Many search sites allow you to search multiple types of records for one fee.

Private Detective

Hiring a private detective to find people is the most expensive and can be saved as a last resort.

Use the information in this site to try your own search first. If the worst happens and you are not successful, you can provide your research to the detective and hopefully save some time and money.

Decide the priority of your commitment

Is it casual, compelling, urgent or critical?  Then based on your priority, establish a beginning and completion deadline.

Based on your commitment priority, set an expense budget and keep to it. 

Stay mindful of your costs, write down the amounts you spend in your search journal. Keeping good records of your search and a journal will be essential. 

Also expect to pay some document fees for birth parent or relinquished child searches.  Copies of birth, marriage or death records will have to be purchased and there may be notarization fees as well.  Some agencies now have records online and though there are fees involved, they are quite economical.  Some great records search sites are listed on the resources page. Using these resources will really help keep expenses down.